Limerence.

I like words. Words are powerful, they're affirmations and feelings...

More so to me who has difficulty explaining words, expressing myself with words, understanding what people are saying with me (like if you don't tell me directly, I won't know) etc. 

I know what the word means and feels, but I can't always tell you what that is. 

There are subtle differences and implications in words... In English, we have a huge vocabulary with many ways to say essentially the same thing but I would argue that although the overall meanings remain, some words have a deeper layer of meaning and carry more weight- hence there's another word for it. 

I saw a tweet that read "there's a technical term for a crush, it's called 'limerence'." I thought, 'mmmm, that can't be entirely right' and so I decided to look into it a little bit(because I love a bit of procrastination and I love finding out about anything that interests me. 

In my brief research, I came accross these articles/posts detailing limerence and how it is in fact different from a crush and I found it so interesting that I have to share it with you all. 

Is it a Big Crush or Limerence?

Ever liked someone so much that your crush slowly turned into an obsession? Do you like someone but are too scared to ask them out? It may be a crush or puppy love, but it could also be a dark and dangerous form of love called Limerence.

The world of love and limerence

Are you really in love? There are so many ways to like or appreciate a person that love, the word, is really hard to explain it all.

We have the crazy-in-love, the head-over-heels-in-love, the sort-of-in-love, and the am-I-in-love? kind of love.

But there are other darker forms of love, and limerence is one big word that hangs precariously in these shades of love, edging somewhere between liking someone and being insanely mad about them.

What is limerence?

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, describes Limerence as an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person (the limerent object).

But in simpler terms, limerence is a state of mind when you know that you like someone but yet at the same time, you can’t describe it as love. But you would also be crazy about this person and to the world, you would proclaim this form of affection as a crush.

Limerence is a dangerous feeling that just can’t be explained. Many would have felt it in varying measures of ‘crushes’. A person who is infatuated by a potential limerent medium (their crush) would undergo mood swings and feelings of intense joy and frustrations.

There are times during the heights of limerence when the person could get obsessed over their crush and start fantasizing about them.

But a limerent fantasy is not the typical fantasy of cuddling or fiery passion. Most of the fantasies involve rescuing them from perilous situations or proclamations of love at dying moments! You look more for gratitude rather than physical attraction in your fantasies.

Is limerence a form of love?

This is the confusing part. Limerence is always assumed to be the same as love, but it is actually very far from it. In love, you want to share the best moments of your life with someone special, but when you’re struck by limerence, all you want is this person’s attention.

Your entire existence is based on the way this limerent object treats you. You feel elated and on top of the world when you are given any sort of attention from this person. But if this person doesn’t reciprocate your advances, you can get really upset and depressed. Limerence is a form of affection that has no middle path. You can either be ecstatic in limerence or miserable in limerence.

Differences between love and limerence

There are a few striking differences between love and limerence, according to Dr. Tennov. See if you’re experiencing any of these, and you may just know whether you’re in love or in limerence!

No physical intimacy!

For an individual who is experiencing limerence, there is no thought given to the physical act of making out. Getting physical with your crush is not essential or satisfying to a person who experiences limerence, unlike a person who is physically attracted to someone.

You want your crush to feel grateful

When you’re physically attracted to someone, you want to be with them, and you most definitely want to get passionate with them. But when you are attracted to someone via limerence, you would create fantasies where you’re the hero or the heroine of your crush’s life.

You offer them a lift when they’re stranded in the middle of nowhere. You protect them from someone, when they’re in a fight. You save this person from an accident.  And all sorts of fantasies where the end result isn’t sex or a cuddle, but gratitude.

This can happen to all of us, so you really don’t have to feel awkward about accepting it. Nor should you feel bad that what you’re suffering from isn’t a bad case of love sickness but a strong case of limerence.

There are more signs too that can prove whether you’re experiencing limerence or love.

Limerence and Love – The Real Difference

Limerence is a crazy form of obsession that may seem like deep love, but in fact, it may be the worst deception of love. You may think it’s an infatuation that you have, but limerence can turn your life into a rollercoaster of misery and happiness.

 

If you’ve read the introduction about crushes and limerence, you’d know that there are quite a few stark differences between love and infatuation, physical intimacy being the biggest one.

Are there any other big differences that may be secretly concealed under the blanket of love? Read on…

Limerence and love – The real difference

The timeline

Limerence lasts a lot longer than puppy love, infatuation or romantic passion. They can last for several months, or at times even several years.

Low-Lying Periods

Limerence has several periods of time when the person would not feel any sort of affection towards the limerent object. But these low-level periods are always alternated with feelings of deep infatuation and hope for reciprocation.

Reciprocation and limerence

In love, you sincerely love a person irrespective of whether there is any reciprocation or not, but in limerence, happiness comes only by reciprocation, however small it is.

How do you know if it is limerence?

There are no clear-cut signs that can clearly pinpoint if it is limerence that you are feeling, but there are a few things that are most prominent only to feelings of limerence.

A person who is going through a stage of limerence will find it hard to think about anything but the limerent object, and he or she will have an intense craving for reciprocation more than any other emotion, not even love. Even a small gesture of reciprocation can make the person feel elated and on top of the world.

Most of these reciprocations may even be something trivial as a second glance or a smile. There will be a craving for appreciation and the person will try catching the attention of the limerent object, and will become furious if someone comes in the way of this attention seeking activity.

Experiencing limerence

If you ever experience limerence, you would probably walk on air when you make any form of contact with this person. Any circumstance that you shared with this person, however trivial would become a very special memory, and you would associate several activities of yours, or songs or movies, with this person so you can think of this person you have a crush on at every opportunity you get.

You would try making memories and special moments out of nothing at all, and over time, these little or nonexistent moments can become the centre of your world and you would be the happiest reminiscing about these moments.

The hopes and fears of limerence

Limerence can make a person feel really happy and elated when the limerent object reciprocates the glances and moves, but with every intensely happy moment, comes another moment that can create the opposite emotion. With limerence comes a fear of rejection.

The fear of rejection causes self-doubt and a lot of uncertainty, which causes pain and at the same time, an uncontrollable desire to fantasize about the limerent object. Limerence can hit us when we least expect it, and can even make us feel miserable at times.

Limerence – Fear of Rejection in Love

Are you afraid to ask your crush out? You may be madly in love with someone, but the deep fear or rejection or of proposing to them could actually turn out to be something else, a scary kind of obsessive love, called limerence.

Do you have a fear of rejection in love? Are you afraid to ask someone out? Could it be limerence?

How does limerence work, and why does it make us fear rejection so much that we’d rather keep our feelings bottled up and never tell our crush that we love them?

The fear of rejection in love

In limerence, the fear of rejection in love may be so great that the person may never want to approach their crush, or the limerent, because they are so worried that they may be rejected.

The shyness of the person based on the fear of giving the limerent object an undesirable view can prevent a relationship from occurring even when both people are interested.

People who experience limerence are so afraid that their crush may never like them back, that they actually never ever reveal their feelings, at times, even for years and decades!

The funny thing about limerence is that it is all about the satisfaction of knowing the limerent person exists, and that’s it. As long as this limerent object reciprocates your moves, or even shows a sign of reciprocation, you would walk in the clouds and your life would be a wonderful picture.

The foundation for limerence is not any objective reality but reality as it is perceived, and the dreams in the person’s head.

The person who experiences limerence sifts through and rearranges situations and conversations to give himself or herself a hope that things are turning positive with time. The smallest of positive signs are picked up and endlessly analyzed for meaning. A warm smile, a friendly hug, or a second glance is all it takes to float on cloud nine.

Limerence makes a person oblivious to the fact that there may not be any reciprocation on the part of the limerent person, and this intense form of a crush can be carried quite far before the heartbreaking rejection can be accepted.

The effects of limerence

Limerence can cause several physical changes in the body as well as several emotional changes. The physiological correlations of limerence include trembling, palpitations, weakness, stammering and shyness. Limerence can also cause apprehension and nervousness because of the constant worry that is associated with the limerent fear.

The extreme sensitivity that is heightened by the fear of rejection can lead to lost opportunities as there will be no occasion where the person would even think of making a move to let the limerent object know about his or her feelings of affection.

The feeling of limerence can make a person feel ecstatic at times and deeply rejected at other times. Much like an addictive drug, it is extremely addictive and yet painful where the sensation of limerence is usually felt, in the midpoint of the chest.

Limerence can create a scenario that is extremely topsy-turvy. There would be times when there will be reciprocation and other times when there will only be anguish. There may also be uncertainty and this would only increase the feeling of limerence. Increased limerence can create altered scenarios depending upon the way the person’s crush reciprocates the subtle advances.

Limerence is a very subtle and yet dangerous form of infatuation, because it is so close to what we feel when we are in love, and yet it is nothing like love. It’s never easy to find out whether you are really in love with someone or is it just a casual infatuation, or maybe even limerence. But as long as you know that you can muster the courage and let the other person know what you feel, then there is nothing to worry about. The first and the biggest sign of limerence is hiding one’s feelings for someone.

As long as you keep those loving secrets at bay, you don’t ever have to worry about getting trapped in the wicked form of love that knows nothing but intense happiness and heart wrenching sorrow, the love that is known as limerence.

So if you want to avoid the torture of limerence, avoid secret love stories and confess your love to your crush. It’s the best way to beat limerence, and get over the fear of rejection in love.

 - 

So, it seems like limerence is love gone horribly wrong... 

A kind of bastardisation of it that hides in the hearts and minds of many under the guise of love... And it seems many still can't distinguish between the two. 

Born out of a fear of rejection, inadequacy, and God knows what else leading to a self-inflicted mental, spiritual invasion of this limerent character. Sad thing is unless my understanding is incorrect-which I doubt it is, one could free themselves from this self imposed prison or move on if they were simply honest and open about their emotions and understood where they were coming from. 

The two are close, but the author will have explained it better than I can and I don't want to repeat what you've just read- if you've gotten this far I'd guess you're pretty competent anyways. 

But anyways this limerence is deep, consuming, and life altering. Don't fall into it. Fall out of it or make it into real love before it robs you of real love and damages your perceptions of what love is/will/should be. 

You don't have to hurt anymore. 

You're free now, go. 

 :-) 

Yours in love & light,

- DALANDA (*)