Hi! :-)

So, I wasn't able to fall asleep till almost 5am and then the postman woke me up at 7:30am this morning D-:

I mean, I'm not hugely pissed off because he delivered my new Yankee Candle, but still.

 I've not been back to sleep since then and I won't be able to for some time. It's annoying because I'll try to fall asleep again, but I can't so I waste time or lose track of time doing something meaningless. People underestimate how easy it is to lose time when you aren't 100% with it. 

I try to not wake up properly unless I have to... But when I'm tired my perception of necessities are a little skewed. This can be a problem when your mother comes in to tell you something important in the morning before work, and you manage to have a conversation to get rid of her; but you were half asleep and don't remember what on earth she was talking about as you weren't listening to begin with. 

She took to leaving me notes or things on my desk after some time, often waking me just to tell me where specifically on the table she left the note (tbh, my desk can get pretty bad... I'm better this year xD). She obviously secretly enjoys it, I know I'm half asleep but I can pick up on that much... She shouts SLEEPING BEAUTY! and some other silly things at me to wake me up and then she starts smiling and asking how I am as if she's not just disturbed me when I was just entering REM sleep.

She still calls me now in the morning sometimes, but not as early as before. 

It really burns my soul when people wake me up unnecessarily. I mean of course I wouldn't mind waking up, or losing sleep for a good reason but I would have to REALLY like someone for me to be okay with being woken up randomly. I don't think I've found anyone yet actually... Maybe when life and reality start being more pleasant, and I sleep better I might enjoy being woken up in general. That's what I hope for because if I've not had a bad night and I go to sleep at say 1 or 2, I usually wake up around 7 ish anyway and stay in bed for a bit. 

 I just really enjoy sleep, man! It's a privilege I'm often denied because my mind doesn't want to cooperate- even though I don't drink caffeine. Tbh, my life is more than enough to keep me up at night anyways so I don't need it :3 But being up doesn't mean I can actually be productive and nothing is more annoying than a restless mind... 

Hmm, well I was saying I'm not that mad at being woken up, but looking back over this mini rant about sleep maybe I'm just a tad salty. And possibly delirious from extended amounts of not enough sleep, stress, etc xD. 

Anyways, back on track...

We all get overwhelmed but it's really important to hold on to the hope that you'll get stronger and things will get better. That's what I am trying to do as I know my hope will attract better things or at least give me something to hold on to. 

If they don't, well I'm still trying. I know I could do more, but can't everyone? We could all be better but sometimes it's enough to just do the best with what we have because nothing, and no one is perfect. 

Seeking perfection only leads to fear and anxiety because it's an unobtainable which you can end up driving yourself crazy over. It's difficult to get over, but possible in little steps... Remember details make up the masterpiece but the masterpiece is more than just the tiny details so don't sweat it. 

It's important to overcome problems caused by the ego and find little victories for yourself in things you didn't have the strength to do before. There is strength in and around you so please harness it for yourself! 

We are strong. We are always supported- internally and externally. Just look at the signs around you and trust yourself. They're there... 

Notice little coincidences and synchronicities... It's usually things trying to get your attention and give you messages. They can come in many ways...

Today, there was another knock on the door, I presumed it was the postman again as I'm waiting on a few bits and bobs (I do like online shopping, I like normal shopping a lot too, but there's people there). Anyways, it was some Jehovah's Witensses- if I had known I wouldn't have opened the door. 

If you know me by now, you'd know I personally don't believe in organised religion. I don't believe religion should be abolished, because some really need it and there's a sense of community etc... As Marx said, 'Religion is the opium of the masses.' and we all need consolation and relief. At the heart of religious teachings there are some great lessons. 

However, I wouldn't tie myself down to any religion as it's too heavily influenced by man and ego. To be honest, I think there are lessons to be learned everywhere in every belief if you're open... I don't really want to restrict myself as I feel what's most important is being a loving, kind person and being grateful for what I have. I enjoy and/or appreciate aspects of most religions I've read about. For example, there are some beautiful prayers out there in many different languages- Hebrew and Arabic being some of my favourites. Your dialogue with God doesn't have to be formal, but I appreciate the beauty and intent in words. I also personally do my best to respect and understand the laws behind a religion too if I want to do some direct research or in general which I think is really important. You don't have to agree, but you must be respectful and tolerant of others and what they believe. 

 From the religions I've read about, they are all fundamentally about basic human principles like: not harming or hurting others/ living beings/ innocent people, being kind, generous, sharing love, being grateful and accepting that there is a higher power. 

My belief is that religion is man made and spirituality is divine- so I do have belief and faith in most of the things that come with a religion but without a bunch of old men grossly misinterpreting holy books as a means of control, oppression or negative indoctrination. Not all do, but a fair few do, or there's laws that are social more than they are religious which I don't agree with. And if I don't share in those views or agree with many parts of the religion and/or how it's interpreted I can't comfortably call myself a member of that religion. It's out of respect to the people that do actually follow and dedicate their lives to faith, and following that path... It's not the way I would personally like to experience faith so I create my own experience. Which can be distilled to: be love! Seriously, it's so important to spread that shit everywhere because it feels we are in a world that's been plunged into darkness with all of this hatred, and reluctance to share the love even though we are all connected. Be grateful for what you have, and no matter what, don't lose touch with the world. I mean I'm just a student, but I can still appreciate that I'm better off and have more than millions of people on earth. Humility is important- you should respect your fellow man and realise no one is better or worse, we are all part of the same human race. Like Lennon sang 'a brotherhood of man'. Never sacrifice your integrity and last but not least Don't be an arsehole. It doesn't really matter about what or who you believe in to me, it matters more if you're a kind and loving person. 

For me love and kindness basic human principles that should transcend religion. I personally believe that needing religion to be a good person means you lack morality and empathy.

 It does happen sometimes, some people can take being horrible better, some even enjoy or get pleasure from it but that's only bad if you do nothing about  fixing it or continue to give into negativity. Many (too many for my liking) have less empathy or are super selfish, maybe because of their life or just how they as a person but that falls under the argument that it's what and not who you are. Urges can be suppressed, just like how many suppress the urge to do the right thing. 'The right thing' can appear the most difficult thing at first but the ends will  always justify the means if you follow your heart and decide to do the right things. If one is sincere, and doing the right thing, they'll never be shamed. 

Compassion and empathy can be learned, and religion does teach that to some extent which is also why I don't completely oppose it. 

So I don't have have a labelled religion, but principles and morals that fall under love which I live my life on and will continue to until I die. Even when things fall apart, and even when it's not returned. If the world and the people around you turn nasty, that doesn't mean it's okay for you to do the same. That's when being a decent human being matters the most. 

But to explain my belief to deeply religious people is incredibly jarring as it usually results in cognitive dissonance, and then me having to go into detail and explain with examples etc so that it makes sense whilst also pointing out I don't have a problem with them having a religion, I'm not a satan worshiper (never) and I do believe in God. You're sometimes met with hostility and I can rarely be arsed for a confrontation. 

So anyways, the Jehovah's Witness asked me if I believe in God and I said yes I was raised Catholic- which is true. I still think churches, mass and the music is beautiful, I still believe in the message of the Gospel (but there are many disappointing and sometimes hateful interpretations flying around about them). And then they asked me about the future, to which I replied that I don't know and I don't like to think about it because our future is created by our present. So I like to try and take each day at a time. 

To which she asked if I thought that our future is affected by other people. I mean, the answer is obviously yes but that bothers me. Our life could be and is affected often quite severely both positively and negatively depending on people's roles in your life, how they treat you and also the world at large, and people collectively fucking up the planet, portaying negative messages and creating the next heartbreak/fuckperson generation. 

But it ultimately comes down free will which we were all gifted with. I can't change how people are going to behave, how people going to treat me, or the planet. Whether people decide if they will hurt and hinder me or not. But I can try and minimise the impact it'll have on my life and hope and pray that the people around me all the people that have my heart won't hurt me or be careless. I try and be strong and deal with things as best I can when situations, people and opportunities let me down and/or things go wrong. 

I just trust. Because there's nothing else I can do and if I do, I've got nothing to lose. 

I pondered this for a few seconds and then she handed me this leaflet. 

It's probably one of my favourite parts of the Bible. Just because it's about a world and life I have always dreamed of. Comfort, your pain, hurt and tears wiped away, your problems gone. Not needing to worry because it's all okay and it's all going to be okay too. Just beautiful, and sadly far from many people's realities. 

But I take this as a sign to hold on to hope. 

Honestly, all I live for are those little pieces of heaven that we are gifted in our lives which we sometimes miss when we don't live in the moment. The little things that break up the mundane nature of day-to-day life and make it more bearable. 

I do realise that thiis in essence, living life waiting for good things that may never happen to happen but if I try hard enough maybe I can create the life I've always dreamed of, or something better. And you can too. Don't leave room for doubt. 

Consider it a message for all of us. 

There will be brighter days, and they will shine brighter than all the dark days put together. Just be proactive as things don't always necessarily land on your lap. There's a bit of co-creation involved in miracles, but you'll know what to do if you quiet your mind and give your heart a chance to speak. 

Be the best that you can be, and don't ever think you're not worthy of good things. We were put on this earth to learn and not suffer, don't torture yourselves for you might trigger something off in your head that you have far less control over.  

Take care!

Love as always,

-Dalanda

xoxo