Rob Delaney on Depression & Getting Help with commentary from me at the end.

This was originally posted February 26, 2010 on his tumblr.

I deal with suicidal, unipolar depression and I take medication daily to treat it. Over the past seven years, I’ve had two episodes that were severe and during which I thought almost exclusively of suicide. I did not eat much and lost weight during these episodes. I couldn’t sleep at all, didn’t even think about sex, and had constant diarrhea. The first thing I did each morning was vomit. My mind played one thought over and over, which was “Kill yourself.” It was also accompanied by a constant, thrumming pain that I felt through my whole body. I describe the physical symptoms because it helps to understand that real depression isn’t just a “mood.” These two episodes were the most difficult experiences of my life, by a wide margin, and I did not know if I would make it through them. To illustrate how horrible it was, being in jail in a wheelchair with four broken limbs after the car accident that prompted me to get sober eight years ago was much, much easier and less painful. That isn’t an exxageration and I hope it helps people understand clinical depression better; I’m saying that I would rather be in jail in a wheelchair with a body that doesn’t work than experience a severe episode of depression.

To clarify the timeline, I got sober eight years ago and my first episode of depression was seven years ago. I had been in talk-therapy with a psychologist for months and was getting used to life without booze. It’s my understanding that it’s not terribly rare for someone in early sobriety to get depressed. I started to exhibit the symptoms I described above and had no idea what was happening. My psychologist urged me to see a psychiatrist, as did my family, among whom alcoholism and depression are old pals, so to speak. Everyone wanted me to go on medication, except me. I felt that it would be “weak” to do so and that I could soldier through and get a handle on it. But everything got worse and it was terrifying. Most of my thoughts were telling me to kill myself and I began fantasizing constantly about suicide. The images of my head being blown apart by a shotgun blast or me swimming out into the ocean until I got tired and drowned played over and over in my head. My whole body hurt, all the time. 
Fortunately, a tiny part of me recognized my thought process as “crazy.” I knew that if anyone other than me was describing these symptoms I would lovingly handcuff them and take them to the hospital and help the shit out of them, whether they liked it or not. So I tried very hard to step out of myself and look at the situation with a modicum of objectivity and “imagine” that I was someone who deserved help. 
Quite literally I thought, “I don’t think anyone else would shoot me with a shotgun, so maybe, temporarily, I’ll postpone that and try this Lexapro that everyone who knows me is recommending.”
It worked. It wasn’t magical, but it addressed some chemical issues in my brain that allowed me, gradually, to feel better and actually experience my life. I ate again, slept again, got boners when I encountered attractive women, and made normal number twos when I went to the bathroom. I didn’t and don’t feel euphoric all the time or anything. I still get angry, sad, and afraid sometimes. But I also get happy, excited, and horny too. I experience the full range of human emotions, rather than just one horrible one. 
Just under eighteen months ago, after a couple of years of both my marriage and my decision to pursue comedy full-time, I experimented with a lower dose of medication and had another episode. It was as bad or worse than the first one, but thankfully I had some idea of how to deal with it. This episode drove home the knowledge that, like alchoholism, depression demands respect and attention. Whether it’s a “good” thing or a “bad” thing, I cannot pretend to know, but it exists and it can kill you dead.
My psychiatrist adjusted my dose and I got feeling better over time. If you know me personally, all this information may surprise you, as I think I generally have a pretty sunny demeanor. For most of my life, I’ve been a happy, optimistic guy. But for whatever reason, I’ve had depression of a serious, life-threatening nature rear its head a couple of times. 

The sole reason I’ve written this is so that someone who is depressed or knows someone who is depressed might see it. While great strides have been made in mental health over the years, certain stigmas still exist. I strongly resisted medication at first. But after having been through depression and having had the wonderful good fortune to help a couple of people who’ve been through it, I will say that as hard as it is, IT CAN BE SURVIVED. And after the stabilization process, which can be and often is fucking terrifying, a HAPPY PRODUCTIVE LIFE is possible and statistically likely. Get help. Don’t think. Get help.

- 

It's crazy how slowly the media is talking more about mental illnesses in the wake of people no longer hiding their struggles, but I feel like it's not always very responsibly discussed or it doesn't quite capture the essence of what it must truly be like to live with a mental illness- it effects everyone differently but as Rob wrote it isn't just mental at all. Things like depression will make you physically sick and can cause stomach problems, chest pains, weakness, tiredness, difficulty breathing, etc and if you're lucky numbness.... If not, a constant aching and deep sadness. And that's depression alone.

People often have depression with things like anxiety disorder, PTSD, OCD, etc. Dealing with one alone is really hard as you've read let alone two or more, and often these illnesses almost fight with each other. For example, depression may drain you and make feel you very sick and not able to go out or do important things, then anxiety will be like hey! You have shit to do, omg why are you just sitting down and you start going through how bad it is that you're not doing these important things. So you get up to do it and depression is having none of it. She won't let you concentrate. She won't let you rest. She doesn't, so why should you?

These things can play in your mind and body alongside all the physical, emotional symptoms. However, the way society is set up at the moment, you can't even be ill with that because they can't see it. Things like this need to change, people need to understand how crippling it can be to suffer with these things physically and emotionally. To want to die and feel like your insanity is slowly killing you anyways. It's not weak to be mentally ill, it's in fact a sign you've tried really hard but the world has thrown shit at you, made you sad, stabbed you in the back, highlighted your insecurities and you're hurting. You're not broken and you can be happy and smile one day I'm sure. You're strong as fuck, mental illness is one of the hardest things to struggle with... People have said they preferred chemotherapy for cancer, one man said it was more painful than watching his wife die so you can imagine how hard it is. And these people aren't exaggerating at all. 

If you are fortunate enough not to suffer, or even if you do, don't forget to be there for people, be consistent, be kind & don't give up on them if they're being a 'bad friend'. It's really hard to function, they don't mean it, they value the people that will talk to them, fight for them & acknowledge that they are not okay. Many notice and say nothing because it's been made into a taboo subject, then they stand right back till it's too late. Don't be that person, and don't underestimate the power of kindness. 

And for the love of God, be nice. Don't unnecessarily or maliciously increase people's pain or stress because you don't know what they're suffering with under the surface. 

Be vigilant, and be genuinely nice... Not just someone showing kindness because of pity- that's patronising and unhelpful. Just be good. 

And that's enough directions barked out by me, but on a serious note I really hope you listen to this, understand it and don't ignore it. If you need help, get it. If someone needs help, be it & help them find the right & qualified people. 

Too many people are suffering in silence & they can't tell their friends. It's not right to be alone with this. 

Please take care,

All my love, healing & blessings!

-Dalanda

xoxo